The holidays are often spent together with family, and people we love. During these special occasions, we try to make the most out of the time we spend together, but, one conversation I feel that goes unnoticed is: grief. What is grief? How do we accept it? How are we supposed to celebrate these holidays and ignore the giant elephant in the room of missing someone? What are we supposed to do with these unwanted feelings? These are just some questions that rattle my brain during the holidays.

Like everyone else, I’ve lost many relatives; the most recent death in my family was back in June, and it left a bad impression on me. When you’re younger, I don’t think it hits you as hard. But when you’re older, and take in the world differently, it’s one of those times where you have to step away and watch the world around you move in slow motion while everyone goes on with their lives. “Funerals are so casual,” I remember telling my coworkers days after the whole ceremony as they asked how I was doing. Their usual response was, “Yeah, they’re all like that.” You could imagine how lost I looked, and I kept thinking about it. Sure, the conversations at funerals were casual. You cry, tell the deceased person how much they meant to you, pay respects to the family, and leave. Maybe you’ll share a laugh here and there, but the rest is kinda grim. After that, everyone goes on with their lives and often avoids conversations about the recent loss in their family. We stop checking in on people once we reach a certain limit to our sadness and choose to not dwell on such a thing.

“Time heals all wounds” is what I’ve been told my entire life. Time heals the wounds of breakups, fights, and injuries but does it heal the loss of a loved one? The short answer: No. Long answer? I’m not sure. I’ve sat with my parents before, listening to them talk about the people who lived before me. The people who paved their lives into this earth by leaving traditions, family heirlooms, and memories. People I never got to meet or will never see again.

Every year around this time, I pull out the old family photo albums that date back to the 1960s from when my parents were just young babies. Some photos in there probably date back to the 30s if I looked hard enough. We share laughs because I usually made fun of my mom’s perm in the 80s, or the groovy outfits they wore in the 70s, but they also share stories about what life was once like. It’s quite literally a time machine frozen in place. However, the laugh that was once on my mother and father’s face was replaced by a distressed one as I tried to keep up and understand the pain they felt. But, like most people who try to avoid crying, they say, “Let’s stop talking about it.” That usually ends the conversation, and we just pick up other photos to look at to get our minds off things.

Like most things, grief sticks with you like a bad habit. It creeps up on you when you least expect it, and we often feel guilty. We feel guilty for having a smile on our faces, or for being in a crowded room with people we love on holidays, and even on our birthdays because we were lucky to live another year. I think empathy is a beautiful thing, and we’re afraid to show it sometimes because we’re characterized as “sensitive” and it’s usually seen as a bad thing. Grief often brings up varied and sometimes conflicting emotions. You may feel inexpressibly sad in one moment, and full of cheer the next. All of your feelings are valid, and there is space for them all. Permit yourself to feel without judgment.

One major thing you can do this holiday is host a tradition of remembrance for the person who has passed. Though this can help feel like the holidays go on with that person’s memory, it can prevent the guilt of feeling like you are moving on without your loved one. The tradition does not have to be extravagant, it can be as simple as having that person’s favorite dessert on the table every year or making sure their famous recipe/tradition continues through the following years. Grief and loss are undesirable, inevitable, and distasteful but they have a place during all times of the year. Give yourself permission to think, act, and feel what is helpful during the holidays. Our loved ones are a gift that we should cherish.